Struggling to find joy

We are approaching a tough month - a month which was for many years special because of 3 celebrations in the family - my parents’ wedding anniversary, my mother’s birthday and Shashank’s birthday. And now I am dreading this month when my parents are no more, and nor is Shashank! It still kills me to say these words, and I know I have been telling myself these are just dates and don’t really mean anything. I am trying to convince myself that I will be okay, the days will be no different from any other day in the past 2+ years - I will still suddenly burst into tears, I will still laugh, still feel joy at the sight of a sunbird or a bulbul or a baby’s smile.

This year was to be one of milestones - my mother celebrating her 90th birthday, Supriya and Shashank celebrating their 40th birthday, Kanishk turning 30, a dear niece turning 50, a loved sister-in-law and a friend turning 70 - all big special days that should be, and some of them will be, celebrated with joy. But this coming month…it fills me with dread. I am as usual doing whatever I can to make the days more bearable. I will mark my mother’s birthday with a donation to a temple that provides food for the needy everyday. Supriya chose to celebrate her birthday quietly. Kanishk’s birthday will, I hope, be celebrated with as much of fanfare as possible at the end of this year.

And Shashank’s birthday - we will continue with celebrating the life that was his. I hope the Fellowship in his name is announced on the 28th. I hope we are able to meet his friends at his beloved beach in Goa and I can only hope that there is an amazing sunset, lots of laughter and maybe some kites marking the day, letting me believe it really is a special day, even if the person we celebrate is missing.

I hate sounding maudlin, but around this time, I am struggling to find joy in conversations or family gatherings or books. I wish I could go to sleep right now and wake up on September 1st, completely bypassing August and all that it is going to bring. How is it even possible that I can remember what I felt like 40 years ago in the month leading up to Shashank’s birth, the joy I (we in the family) felt on the 28th when we welcomed Shashank into the world on Onam day? I can remember my mother’s pleasure at the birth of her grandson under the auspicious Thiruvonam star. What happened to all the luck that this star was to bring? Is this what was supposed to be lucky - that he went so quickly and so painlessly. Maybe it was never meant to be lucky for the rest of us, or maybe it’s luck ran out after 37+ years? Whatever it is, it has been a raw deal. If after 2+ years, I can still wake up thinking it is all a bad dream, that some mistake has been made, then I should not be surprised that I am not able to sleep!