How do I answer this question?
On our trip this time, I noticed something different. While I smiled at other guests in the resort we were staying in, and was willing to answer the simple ‘Where have you come from?’ and ‘How long will you be here?’, I moved away very quietly the moment the conversation started becoming more personal. I did not want to hear the usual question from strangers who want to become acquaintances - ‘How many children do you have?’. The earlier me, from 2 years ago, would have stayed to chat, would have very proudly spoken about my two sons and their work and their likes and dislikes and…. Now, I realise i do not know how to answer this simple question.
These are people who I may never see in my life again. Do I say ‘ I have two sons’, then dreading the next question of ‘Where are they, and what do they do?’. or do I say ‘I had two sons’, ensuring that the person in front of me becomes all grim suddenly, and stammers and stutters while wanting to know what happened. Do they really need to be burdened with the tragic turn my life took? Or do I just bravely tell them the factual answer - ‘ I have one son’, completely by-passing the presence, and now the absence, of a very beloved someone with a larger-than-life personality who doesn’t even get a mention now.
There is no correct answer , or maybe there is, but I just don’t want to have these conversations with strangers. Either way, Shashank’s passing has brought changes to my personality that I am surprised by. I am still super-proud of both my boys, the relationship we had/have, the love we shared/share but this is something I will learn to amend when meeting people. I am acquiring the skills needed to navigate social interaction without burdening every person I meet with my grief, but have a long way to go in actually mastering this skill. The next time I hear this question, I will either say ‘I have one son’ stoically or just burst into tears confusing the person who is standing in front of me. Even I do not know what my response will be. I always liked the term WYSIWYG - I too am like this now. What You See Is What You Get!
Hello there I wrote you a longish answer and then God knows what, it vanished! Poof!!
I found myself returning to your question and hence decided to try to answer it. I tend to see things very black and white so please take what I say with the concern that I feel and share, please dont feel that I am not respecting you.
This time when I met you, I was not sure what to expect but spent a lovely afternoon with a Sandhya who was the same and yet different. We were able to talk about Shashank and at one stage I noticed you struggling with your emotions. I watched that inner struggle but then you managed to carry on the conversation and I was glad to see that you are beginning to heal.
I am certain you realize that most of us know how to handle the loss of parents, or the generation above us. When you say that someone of that generation is no more, it elicits words of sympathy, comfort and some modicum of understanding. For most of us, the hell you have been through is alien and hence the bewildered reaction -what do you say, what do you ask how much do you ask? The bottom line as I see it Sandhya, you have two sons, two wonderful men, whom you have given birth to and raised with your values. That will never change and yes sadly one of this is now a presence in your life. Nothing changes that fact- you will always be the mother of two sons. Shashank will remain a presence in your life for all time. So when someone asks- you are the mother of two sons. You cannot write away one because he is not there- he is in your thoughts, your words and your memories. If someone probes further do say more but I think for the most part the first answer should suffice. Dont agonize over what to say- you cannot change history- I do apologize Sandhya if my words hurt but they come from a place of caring. They come from a place of loss too. My coping mechanism has been to acknowledge their presence in my life always. I talk incessantly about them and share my thoughts about them, acknowledge their aura about my life. These relationships were forged but never severed, changed at best perhaps but their place remains as is. Nuff said :-)
Thank you, Sandhya, for sharing your thoughts. Sending you love.